You’re Not the Center of the Universe, And That's OK

Sweaty hands, a hot face, and an overwhelming feeling that everything you do or say might be wrong. This is what I felt every time I would speak in class or interact with someone. Being an extremely shy, nervous, and a first generation college student, I felt as though people believed I didn't know what I was doing. I would look at my confident peers wondering, “Is it something innate that I don't have?” While walking or sitting in class, it sometimes felt like people could sense I was out of place. Looking around, I would see others fervently taking notes, while I thought there was nothing to write down; asking intelligent questions when I could not think of any; and doing well with topics that I found difficult. The social comparison between my abilities and those of my peers made me feel lackluster. Feeling like I was being observed and not measuring up to others harmed my overall sense of self worth (i.e self-esteem). I was suffering from the spotlight effect: the feeling that people are paying more attention to you than they actually are. I thought that people were looking at me anytime I did anything. Sometimes, even existing felt embarrassing. I thought my emotions and fears were readily apparent on my face. This illusion of transparency, or false belief that my emotions were more visible than they were, hindered my ability to speak or present in class. I was convinced everyone could tell I was nervous. It seemed like everyone else had it together while I didn't.

As time went on, I knew I had to conquer my fear by not comparing myself to others. Below are some tricks and tips that have helped me get over my fears.

• Picture people in their underwear.
• While cliché, it does work. It forces the recognition that your peers are human too. You can put your own spin on it, but remember,they are regular people, not powerful judges.
• Realize that people only post the best parts of their lives on social media.
• If you failed a test and felt horribly insecure, you probably wouldn't post about it on social media. People only post highlights of their life, which can be edited, exaggerated, and faked. Don't compare yourself to something that doesn’t represent real life.
• Decide to be brave instead of confident.
• Sometimes it can be easier to acknowledge that you are being brave rather than faking confidence. Being nervous means you are leaving your comfort zone, so be proud of yourself for it! For example, if you speak up in class and feel embarrassed, be proud that you spoke rather than staying quiet. These small victories are important!

• Break the veil by asking some of your more confident friends and peers if they ever feel nervous or if school/life is hard. Their answers will probably surprise you.
• Many times, the people we put on pedestals have the same fears, insecurities, and problems as us. Pluralistic ignorance is the incorrect belief of what others are experiencing, and it's a hard impression to break. I have several smart, confident friends who have told me that they feel like people are constantly analyzing them. They said that school is also hard for them, that they struggle with mental health, as well as self-esteem. Their sentiments made me realize that if the two people who I thought were completely fine felt this way, I was probably overestimating not only how much attention people were paying to me, but how “perfect” everyone else's life was.

These tips boil down to three main ideas which helped me change my perspective on how I view not only myself, but others:

• Don’t put people on pedestals. We are all human and have flaws.
• People's struggles aren't always visible; the grass isn’t always greener, no matter how much it may seem like it.
• People have their own worries and are not paying attention to you.

It's important to note that change doesn't happen overnight. These techniques can take a while to fully implement into your life. We are only human and it's normal to be nervous and compare ourselves  to others, but we have to understand that perfection isn’t something anyone can achieve.

We are all striving to be our best and, in our efforts, may think that we are embarrassing ourselves. It’s important to remember that we aren't the center of the universe, and that's ok.